the melody within

as i compose this post...as my fingers tap quietly against the keys...i hear a melody inside my head...again i picked up my father's guitar...such a simple little melody...i am learning by touch how to make the sounds...first one finger on the lowest note, then the others in a strum...only one string held down...alternates after four beats...i have an urge to sing...i havent sung in a very very long time...so very long...

i didnt want to put it down...but my fingers hurt so much that i had no choice...last week the tips were a bit bruised for a couple of days...the pain in my hands that is normally there did not help matters...but i ignore it...

do you ever just want to be somewhere so badly...and you try and try and try....but to no avail?...either the time isnt right or you just arent as ready for something as you thought you could be...or perhaps you will never be ready...but you dont stop...you just keep trying...because you want it so bad...so bad that it makes your heart ache...and your chest fills with something heavy...

there are so many things i want to do...i get so scared sometimes that i will never be able to do them all...that i will get lost...i lost the music for so long...not the songs that would sing in my head...but the music that sings in my heart...in my soul...that fills me more than any meal ever could...i feel it sometimes...like today...lurking...slippery through my hands...and i know that if i try to hold onto to it...it will slip away...

of all the guitars my father had left (he had sold many of them over the years) the last four that remained...three of them were bass guitars...i got the acoustic/electric...and it feels right...the melody isnt right...and it wont be great...but it doesnt have to be...sometimes the most amazing things are just that...simple...

funny how the first word out of my mouth while i was playing was "you"...and only one person came to mind...i wonder if my father could hear me trying to touch the melody with my heart...

cg