Saturday, October 11, 2008

speechless wonder

being a very verbal person, it amazes me how often i am left speechless...i think it can be attributed to the fact that i mentally orchestrate conversations before and during a conversation...i stray from topics i am either uncomfortable with or would prefer not to discuss for whatever reasons...i retain a vagueness that can put people off...as direct as i am in many things, i will take the curvy road to ambiguity any chance i can...it keeps others at a distance and myself in control...

what is the purpose of this?...there is the distinct allure of playing a game with myself...it is never about the other person (and this happens with friends, family, and co-workers)...it is about my own limitations and desires to challenge my thought processes...i know that for many of you, you will instantly jump on the word "game" and think that my sole purpose is to manipulate others...and that is true, it happens as a side-effect...much like medication still in the beta form where the list of side-effects is long and often posing much danger to the taker...however, that is not the focus...the focus is stimulating my brain in so many ways that i become dizzy with the idea of taking that circuitous route to schizophrenic conversation...

but through all my efforts to become the multi-conversationalist within a single conversation, there are many moments that the driver becomes the passenger as the other person untangles my knot of words with a single pull of the smallest thread...and i am left there....speechless....wondering how in the hell did they manage to do that??

and it is always the ones that watch me twist and turn myself with mild interest, waiting until i am nearly finished and nearly satisfied with my work to inform me that i have spun a weave that has nothing to do with them and they neatly step aside leaving me with an armful of useless yarn...

cg

2 comments:

Percy said...

you are fun to read and to listen to.

curiousgirl said...

lol...you enjoy my manipulation of conversation?...

cg